Life can often present us with trials and tribulations that leave us feeling overwhelmed and weary. During such times, finding solace and joy becomes crucial for maintaining our emotional well-being. For many individuals in the AB/DL (Adult Baby/Diaper Lover) community, their journey takes them to a unique space where they can find comfort and acceptance despite life's difficulties.

Within the warm embrace of the AB/DL community, a profound sense of belonging flourishes. Being surrounded by like-minded individuals who understand and accept one's authentic self can act as a powerful antidote to feelings of isolation. The acceptance, understanding, and non-judgmental support offered by fellow community members create a safe haven in which to express vulnerability and find comfort in being true to oneself.

Finding joy in the AB/DL lifestyle can manifest in many ways. For some, it may be the simple act of donning a diaper, which evokes a sense of childlike innocence and carefreeness. Others might find happiness in embracing their inner child, playing games, or engaging in activities that allow them to experience the world with a fresh perspective. Ultimately, the AB/DL community encourages individuals to explore their unique desires and preferences, offering a profound opportunity for self-discovery and contentment.

When life's challenges seem overwhelming, the AB/DL community can be a source of resilience and strength. By fostering meaningful connections and offering a sanctuary of acceptance, it empowers individuals to face their struggles with newfound courage and determination. It is within this community that one can find a haven of love, compassion, and understanding, helping them navigate life's stormy seas with a sense of empowerment and hope.

Five Action Steps to Embrace Joy and Comfort in the AB/DL Community:

1. Join Supportive Online Forums: Engage in online platforms and forums dedicated to the AB/DL community. Participating in discussions and sharing experiences with others can provide a sense of camaraderie and support.
2. Connect with Local Groups: Seek out local AB/DL meetups or events, where you can connect with individuals face-to-face. These gatherings create a safe space to share stories, offer encouragement, and enjoy the company of like-minded friends.
3. Celebrate Self-Expression: Embrace your desires and preferences without judgment. Engage in activities that bring you joy, whether that's wearing a diaper, dressing in cute clothes, indulging in playful games, or exploring creative outlets that nourish your inner child.
4. Practice Self-Compassion: Life's challenges can be tough, but remember to be kind to yourself. Acknowledge your feelings and allow yourself to experience vulnerability without judgment. Seek comfort and support within the community during difficult times.
5. Educate and Advocate: Encourage understanding and acceptance by educating others about the AB/DL community. Advocating for open-mindedness and compassion can help create a more inclusive and accepting world for all individuals, regardless of their lifestyle or preferences.

For those of us on the LittleSpace spectrum, the AB/DL lifestyle can be one of our truest forms of coping with life's "triggers." To unsuspecting outsiders, perhaps this is called unhealthy coping, but to us, engaging in LittleSpace in a balanced way can truly help us to balance our outer and inner worlds to a degree we would otherwise not be able to achieve.
Let's talk for a moment about triggers, what are they? Triggers are any form of internal or external event, situation, interaction, or thought that activates our inner little. Triggers can be positive or negative. Take for example a trip to Target and walking by or through the toy aisle. To many littles, there is a jolt of excitement (or joy) or longing. This emotional response can be focused or supported (through engaging with the toys, or guidance with a caregiver) and then lead gently into little headspace. To the opposite extreme, imagine a challenging day at work where "feedback" was given critically and your feelings were hurt. To many, there is a jolt of dread, shame, embarrassment that accompanies this event. That emotional response in turn, can be focused or supported to lead our littlespace to a place needing comfort, security, peace, or affirmation.

There is no end to "life's triggers." They come in positive or negative ways each and every day. Our response can be similar though. Engagement with our littlespace helps to cope with or engage both positive and negative triggers. As adults in littlespace, we must catch a balance (and be considerate of our adult responsibilities to a degree) but also give ourselves time to blow off steam and cope with life in the way that our bodies choose to do so. AB/DL lifestyle may not be cheap, but within reason, it is extremely healthy. There are no deadly chemicals or substances ingested, there's no harm to others or to oneself. It's honestly one of the better coping strategies. So take a moment to identify your own triggers, your own responses, and how a balanced AB/DL lifestyle can help cope with the good and the not so good! 

Stay fluffy my friends...

If you take a moment to look around, you'll find so many avenues to AB/DL. For many AB/DL is an expansion of their sexual repertoire, a physical/emotional enhancement to intimate play (with or without a partner). For others AB/DL is primarily for mental health benefit in the form of anxiety control, coping skills, security, peacefulness, nostalgia, and awareness of the inner-child. This acknowledges that AB/DLs to some degree have a literal part of them (or their personality) that is "little." Finally, there are many (maybe the majority) who pursue AB/DL interests for a combination of both sexual enhancement and mental health benefit. 

These avenues toward AB/DL play are no less valuable than any other but need distinguishing and validating. 

I personally align more with the final avenue, a combination of physical enhancement but also acknowledgment of my "inner little" and my true personality. Quite honestly, the mental health benefits and engagement of my little side makes up the majority of my interest on the spectrum.

My wife and I had a conversation recently (we are still pursuing a mutual understanding of AB/DL) where she still continued to misinterpret AB/DL as only a "fetish" or "kink." I felt frustrated by this because it's easy to explain AB/DL as a kink but not so much as a form of stress relief, not to mention engagement of a piece of my personality that needs to "come out to play" occasionally, to make me who I am. This will of course be an ongoing conversation, but to those reading...remember that whatever avenue you take to AB/DL, as long as it is safe and consensual (with a partner or public experience), your experience is valid. You can't let others dictate some moral obligation to one or the other. Just as you can't expect someone to change their sexual repertoire, you can't really expect someone else to change their personality, it becomes a bit ridiculous honestly.

You're okay, you're experiences are valid, no matter what you like, we are in it together.

Where to start...

Have you ever been with "vulnerable" with someone else? What exactly is vulnerability anyway? To me, it's having the depth of yourself exposed to another person. It's the equivalent (not to provoke unsafe and non-consensual voyeurism) to standing in the middle of the street naked and having to answer hard questions about your difficult past by pedestrians looking on. If that situation doesn't invoke some sense of vulnerability, I'm not sure what will. In my opinion, a vulnerable initiation can provoke one of two potential avenues: 1) SHAME: you are vulnerable to someone and the response is to dismiss, make fun, blow off, or hold you personally responsible for something that maybe wasn't your fault; 2) ACCEPTANCE: you are vulnerable to someone and the response is to feel totally and entirely present with the other person; to meet them where they are and to express unconditional love and partnership.

I personally have been the recipient of both of these avenues in terms of AB/DL and it is one of the most heartbreaking things I can imagine as a partner. To be the most vulnerable you can be with your soul mate and to be absolutely and utterly dismissed. How do you even rebound from that? How do you approach another conversation that might move toward the back roads to acceptance? Where do you go for acceptance?

One of my favorite authors and speakers is Dr. Breneé Brown. She is a social worker and researcher but has spent the majority of her career on studying negative emotions, in particular, shame and vulnerability. She notes, "Never underestimate the power of being seen." This could be found on both the SHAME avenue and the ACCEPTANCE avenue and both the pain and celebration that comes from either path. She defines shame as the feeling we get when "believe we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging." To "numb the dark, you numb the light."

Now, what to do... again in the words of Dr. Brown, "people who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real badasses...vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. [It's] not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage."

I think the message here is to pursue wholeness earnestly. To not shy away from vulnerable places, but instead own them like you mean it. This means to pursue connection in a scary way if it truly means that much to you. It means accepting yourself as okay. We are all in this together, "braving the wilderness."

Read more of Dr. Breneé Brown's work below:
​

My, how long it has been since I wrote. July of 2022 seems so long ago now that we are solidly into year 2023. We just made a move, physically, to another state in August and that is my excuse for not writing as frequently or being as in-tune with the ebbs and flows of the community. But, now having settled, I've been able to reflect on the process and the journey, and to accept that ups and downs are just part of the process.

The move to Atlanta was intense, stressful, taxing, and most of all exhausting. There were days (and still are) that we question whether this was the right move for us as a couple, as a family. There are days that we are in 100% agreement that it was the "right decision." The ebb and flow of our satisfaction with our current center of gravity causes whiplash on occasion.

Like you most likely, we've all experienced some degree of life's ups and downs. There are days that you can't even get yourself up out of bed with the fear and worries of the day taking over every nook and cranny of your sanity. There are also days you jump up excited about the day's possibilities. Regardless of how you feel, you're going to be OKAY. Ups and downs, slips and surges, ebbs and flows, peaks and valleys... whatever helps you understand, are part of the journey.

In the AB/DL world this sometimes comes out through needing a break from social media once in a while. But sometimes it also means that you need to lean in and understand how close and supportive your diapered community is. 

We are in this together...stay strong... stay fluffy... with stuffies in hand, let's do it. 

This wouldn't be an AB/DL blog without attention to diapers and to ponder of why they are so wonderful to us AB/DLs and what really makes a diaper "good" or "bad." I think what appeals to me about AB/DL supplies is the authenticity by which they match what I personally constitute as infantile, babyish, or childlike. I also think that the preferences we have likely, though not always, match what we grew up with as children. I personally grew up using disposable diapers and magically that is what I tend to prefer. I grew up watching Barney and Friends...guess what? That happens to be my preferred litte space chill time on the TV. I have a good friend that grew up using cloth diapers and they happen to prefer cloth and plastic pants or a diaper cover over disposables. Ultimately, it's not really about the diapers to me but rather what makes the experience as authentic as possible. Diapers simply happen to be a vehicle or a mechanism that gets me closer to the little headspace when it's necessary.

​This also pertains to AB/DL clothing. I have been incredibly frustrated with as an AB/DL and as a parent who has recently raised two young children is that the AB/DL clothing that is available just isn't all that "authentic" to me. Strangely enough, even wearing some of these poor suggestions for little space really turn me off in my mental space. I end up wearing plain white because for whatever reason that feels better sometimes than an inauthentic onesie print. 

These issues are improving slowly as folks in my own generation are starting to produce their own clothing lines and products that more closely align with our childhood experiences. 

Now...quality is a WHOLE another problem and requires a longer conversation.

A few of my favorite brands/stores out there for authentic, quality products include:
1. BigTot (Etsy)
2. ForeverAToddler (Etsy): https://www.etsy.com/shop/foreveratoddler
3. Little Kink Boutique (Online & In-Store): https://www.lilkink.com/
4. Changing Times Diaper Co (Online & In-Store): https://www.changingtimesdiaperco.com/
​5. TodZilla (Etsy, Temporarily Closed): https://www.etsy.com/shop/TodzillaABDL
6. ABUniverse
7. Tykables
​8. Bambino Diapers

How many times have you been in a situation where you plan a difficult conversation over the course of hours, days, even months, to eventually have the conversation go a complete opposite direction from what you imagined? Whether the result was positive, or negative, it happens to everyone. On the topic of AB/DL, conversations (especially with non-participating partners/friends), breakdowns are part of the growing pains in growing acceptance. So, accept that communication hurdles are a likely result of having these conversations. Breakdowns can happen in a few different ways: Assumption, Inactive Listening, Poor Communication Modality, and Projection. I will attempt to explore these in future posts through a conversation sample.

1) Assumption: When a partner misunderstands what you have said and rather assumes another reality that may not be true. In these cases, clarifications and closed-loop communication can be helpful. These communication skills can be seen in the following exchange:

Bobby: Honey, I've been meaning to explain more about why I enjoy diapers so much. It's something that makes me happy. *Eye contact, seated close* (Active Listening)
Jane: I really can't imagine having a sexual interest in diapers, it seems like a terrible idea, we can't ever tell the kids.
Bobby: What I heard you say was (closed-loop communication), that you don't share an interest in diapers the way I do, and that you would prefer this to remain private? *Makes sure cell phone is off* (Active-Listening)
Jane: Yes, that's right.
Bobby: What I was trying to convey was not about my sexual interest, nor my interest in sharing with anyone (especially our kids), but instead in how it makes me feel, happy, joyful, excited, safe, and loved.
Jane: I just get so caught up on the "fetish" aspect of AB/DL that I have trouble seeing the bigger picture.
Bobby: It's really okay, that's why I want to have more conversations to try to share what all this actually means for me. It's so much bigger than sexual gratification.

In many ways, conversations that don't go as planned allow for more organic exchange between people, but only if you're prepared to respond to these breakdowns meaningfully. Instead of focusing on all the potential contingencies during a possible conversation that probably won't go as planned, think more about how to use conversation/communication skills to better improve your connection to a partner. Skills like active-listening and closed-loop communication go a long way in having a meaningful and organized result at the end of a conversational exchange. 

This takes practice. Consider reaching out to a mentor or fellow AB/DL for role-play in these tough conversations. Instead of internally dwelling, take action, you'll be surprised at the result.

The term "big" is thrown around frequently in the AB/DL community. This could be equivalent to, or in addition to "CG" / caregiver. Though used frequently in the BDSM community in reference to "DOMS," a CG role has taken root in the age play community too. For some that practice AB/DL, a CG is not a requirement but for others, the presence of a participating partner is absolutely necessary to fully engage in the "little" mindset.

For me, I have historically never needed a CG to make my little space work. If anything, it required too much effort to seek and find someone willing to do that for me. But, having had the opportunity on a few occasions to be on the receiving end of CG care, there's no comparison, and it is a truly wonderful experience! I never thought I would crave or desire that from a partner, but it really is an amazing experience.

Hear this, there is freedom to need what you need in this community. There's a tendency to see many more littles in the community than bigs, and that is nobody's fault. I would encourage community members, especially those involved in committed partnerships/relationships to seriously consider the needs, expectations, and desires of your partner. Perhaps ask, "what do you need from the role play? What makes your little space sing? What makes your CG space sing? Would you like to switch roles and try something new?"

Open mindedness can go a long way in exploring new territory you never though could be possible. But, it starts with an open mind and willingness to be slightly uncomfortable in uncharted territory.

Enjoy little, Try little, Enjoy big, Try big.

But always stay padded, friends.

For many, the AB/DL kink is something hidden from view, for good reasons. As a sexual outlet for many, exposing unknowing participants to your fantasy without their consent, is a no-no. However, understanding the important process of acceptance requires processing, not just with oneself, but with other trusted individuals. There's something incredible about discovering your little or big side, discovering for perhaps the first time that you're not broken. There's something powerful about waking up in the morning knowing that the little boy or girl inside of you just wants to play, to be loved, to be held, to be cared for, to be present with you in some small way. This is also one of the biggest discoveries for an AB/DL.

Steps to Sharing the AB/DL side of you with a loved one: 1) Who do you fully trust? 2) Is it rooted in expanding your love for the other person and they to you? 3) Is the desire to share rooted in voyeurism or a pursuit of mutual love? 4) Decide and name what your actual goals of the conversation are. What do you hope to gain from the conversation. 5) Prototype the conversation and practice potential responses to questions, but spend forever here. 6) Find a good time where you won't be interrupted. 7) Share your goals with the other person. 8) Have a loved-filled, heart-felt discussion. 9) Breathe. 10) Love.

One of my favorite spoke word pieces on this is by Tauren Wells. She describes this from a faith perspective, but it really captures what it means to know, be known, and be loved all the same.

"It's so unusual, it's frightening
You see right through the mess inside me
And you call me out to pull me in
You tell me I can start again
And I don't need to keep on hiding
I'm fully known and loved by You
You won't let go no matter what I do
And it's not one or the other
It's hard truth and ridiculous grace
To be known fully known and loved by You
I'm fully known and loved by You
It's so like You to keep pursuing
It's so like me to go astray
But You guard my heart with Your truth
A kind of love that's bulletproof
And I surrender to Your kindness, ooh
I'm fully known and loved by You
You won't let go no matter what I do
And it's not one or the other
It's hard truth and ridiculous grace
To be known fully known and loved by You
I'm fully known and loved by You
How real, how wide
How rich, how high is Your heart
I cannot find the reasons why
You give me so much
How real, how wide
How rich, how high is Your heart
I cannot find the reasons why
You give me so much
I'm fully known and loved by You
You won't let go no matter what I do
And it's not one or the other
It's hard truth and ridiculous grace
To be known fully known and loved by You
I'm fully known and loved by You
It's so unusual, it's frightening
I'm fully known and loved by You"

What an amazing opportunity to be the best parent I can be! As an AB/DL, we are uniquely gifted with the opportunity to see the world from our kids' perspective. The joy, the wonder, the amazement at simplicity, we possess that in the AB/DL world. For starters, I have two wonderful children of my own (at the time of this post, 5 years old and 2 years old). My heart is full as a parent and our family provides a foundation greater than anything I could ever imagine. 

When we had our first child, I was worried as a closet AB/DL. Would I be able to appropriately separate my desire to age-play with my desire to be a good parent? I very quickly realized that there was a clear distinction between the two worlds and the daddy-duty just took over! Changing my kid's diapers is not near the same as enjoying that as an adult in the AB/DL world. ;)

My perspective shifted though from fear that my AB/DL side would intrude, to more of a spark of gratitude. As an adult baby, I have the unique opportunity to see the world from my kid's perspective and honestly it made me/makes me a better parent. My wife says frequently that I just "get babies" better than many people do. She said this before she knew about my AB/DL side. But, you know what? It's true! I do "get it." I "get it" because that mentality is a part of my personality! The joy, wonder, amazement, it's all there.

I also found that as I developed in my understanding of my AB/DL identity, my desire to play a caregiver role with other AB/DLs came to be more pronounced. I consider myself in need of little-space and now... DADDYspace. Having AB/DL littles in my life offers a chance to feel that parental pride, feel like I have cared for someone, and activated that daddy-duty that I experience with my own children.

Again, what an opportunity, a blessing, a gift to have! I'm so thankful for the opportunity to enjoy this alongside my fellow AB/DL community and my family.

Take a moment to interview a few people from the AB/DL community and you'll find a variety of "identities." The easiest distinction to identify is the AB vs. DL spectrum. This is defined as  whether someone considers their AB/DL participation as a fetish (generally) versus an outward portrayal of their inner child/baby (generally). But DON'T get bristly with my generalization, for that's the point of the point. Quite honestly, AB/DLs often live somewhere along the spectrum rather than strongly adhering to one side or the other. The spectrum paradigm was popularized by B. Terrence Gray - https://understanding.infantilism.org/what_is_infantilism.php) and I suggest you visit his page to learn more about the AB/DL spectrum.

​One layer deeper is understanding that an identity as AB or DL is barely enough to understand the variety of expressions folks in the community portray. We have seen this bipolar/bimodal paradigm play out in other topics in sexuality including sexual orientation. Traditionally, we have viewed orientation as an "either/or" discussion (e.g., gay or straight) when in reality we lean more often than not in one direction or another encapsulating attraction, appreciation, and enjoyment of all people in one way or another. Of course, this is not to exclude folks who do sit firmly on one side of the fence, but to offer the chance of freedom for those (including myself) that find enjoyment on BOTH sides.

In terms of AB/DL, let's take this one step deeper. ABs, you probably can imagine individuals in the community who live a "fantasy life" (e.g. AB/DL partner, sleeps in a crib, eats from a highchair, full-time caregiver) versus those who occasionally, and discretely enjoy something as innocent as coloring to engage their little-space. Hear this firmly, you have permission to VARY! You have permission to enjoy what you need to engage in little-space and whether that be a lifestyle or "activities," you're not broken either way.  You are loved regardless of how you (in a healthy way) express yourself as an ABDL.

My point is once again to offer freedom to those AB/DLs out there who feel confined to one identity and have been told they are somehow broken because they don't "engage" as deeply as others, or even those who aren't satisfied with the basics and need more of a lifestyle engagement. Hear me out, you are not alone. You be you...the closer you get to understanding who YOU are in this world, the closer you can get to satisfying some of the deepest needs of your heart.

I'll be completely honest, I'm not sure why it took me so long to realize that the AB/DL side of us (especially for those of us who identify with the AB aspect at least some of the time) is an inner-identity that for whatever reason is squelched. When I reflect on the "little boy" inside me, I don't even recognize him. It's almost the opposite of what my actual personality in the "big world." Strangely enough, the personality aspects of that little boy are the very aspects my wife talks about me lacking in my day-to-day life. As a means of contrast I'll contrast the two identities here.

Big Side: Stoic, hates both platonic and intimate touch, clean, calm, wise, anxious and fearful about the future, fearful about being wrong, fearful about being unliked, have a difficult time playing, not much laughter, takes things very seriously.

Little Side: Fun, loves to cuddle, playful, adventurous, goes with the flow, loves to build and create, gets dirty, little fear for making mistakes and having a good time, games, experiences the wonder of the world, building Lego/KNEX/large structures from bricks.

How have I lost the little side somewhere along the way? That side of my identity was suppressed as a child, I understand that, but I never went back to enjoy that. I hated sports as a child because it wasn't fun, but few were the opportunities to actually have fun.

What does it take to go back and engage that AB/DL side? That fun social side of your personality? How do you start that from scratch again? For me, it has to involve identifying with the infant identity and working up to the other little personality. For whatever reason (which I'm not so sure it really matters), engaging with infant headspace is the mechanism I use. When my little side is suppressed for so long, I find myself depressed and unhappy, always seeing the negative in everything and never thinking positively. I swirl into a pit of despair. 

Perhaps it's time to welcome the little side back into my life and spark a little joy once in a while? Perhaps it's harder than it sounds... oh wait, that's the big side talking... long road ahead.

What do I mean when I say "fatalist?" Well, it's that feeling you get when you tell yourself, "It'll never be...," "I don't even know why I try...," "Nothing I do will ever...," "This is just the way it is..."

This mentality can be quite destructive for us AB/DL folks but we are all susceptible to it. What would it mean to combat the fatalism and aim to bring true growth to otherwise negative situations? I'm not sure I have all the answers but I can provide solidarity.

In my experience, my journey in bringing my partner into my AB/DL interests have left me in a persistent fatalist atmosphere. There are plenty of times when I've said, "She will never understand," "I don't know why I even try," "I'll never be able to enjoy AB/DL in my married relationship." To be honest, it puts me in a place where I even question my relationship at its core. If my spouse doesn't accept this part of my life, is it even worth it? This comes in the really deep spaces of the trudge but is a true feeling I have come to experience from time to time.

I think at its core, fatalism is in many ways giving up on the important fight. Of course, there are probably situations where ending a relationship is the best thing for both parties but for many, ongoing conversations are a way forward (even if difficult). I would encourage anyone stuck in fatalist mentality to thing hard about what reality shows versus what is in your control, versus what is out of your control. It is not our job or life's work to change other people's hearts, but we do have a responsibility to maturely pursue conversations with our partners to grow together.

In summary, I offer solidarity but I also confidently say that hard conversations are part of this process in acceptance of the AB/DL side in a vanilla/non-vanilla relationship. Keep working hard to understand what you can and cannot change and what conversations are best had together where you are in the journey. I'm there with you; let's keep this conversation going.

I think one of the hardest things as a father, husband, and AB/DL all in one is finding the time to enjoy littlespace. Depending on your interest, littlespace might take a while to sink into. It often requires a combination of emotional resources, safe space, and time...most of which are few and far between while parenting "IRL." But, over time, without engaging the little side, it just keeps growing and festering until you end up so desperate that it leads to emotional distance (the opposite of what you would really want). To engage, finding ways in the adult world to acknowledge your little side is important. I took a survey of some close AB/DL friends to ask what they do to reach into littlespace in the adult world. Some of these may surprise you as they are pretty simple and discrete, but you know the truth underneath the surface.

• Pull-on tennis shoes
• Water bottles with a soft "sippy" top
• Hydrating sufficiently where you really have to "go."
• Bright colored work clothes
• Cartoon character socks/undies
• Adult coloring books
• Packing snacks for lunch that are for "littles" (e.g. juice box, snack pak, lunchables)
• Small desk toys (e.g. hotwheels)
• Using the kids sized urinal in the bathroom
• Watching cartoons (with or without your own children)
• Listening to kids songs in your ear buds
• Going to places like the zoo, parks, playgrounds, aquarium, children's museum, etc.
• Playing video games
• Enjoying "little" foods like macaroni, hotdogs, PB&J, applesauce, etc. prepared in cute designs
• Swinging at the playground
• Wearing cartoon graphic t-shirts
• Keeping a small stuffie on your desk

These are just a small list of possibilities to enjoy the littlespace while in the real adult world. Just a small reminder that you're still a little at heart. It makes those times in between a full on regression session a little more manageable especially for those of us where those times are few and far between.

*Note: Special thanks to WinstonB for their contribution!

As an ABDL, I'm sure I join others in experiences where therapists have tried to "fix" us. The most recent experience was with a psychotherapist who was convinced that I had unmet childhood needs that fueled my ABDL interests. I remember crying uncontrollably when moving through a meditation. In my mind's eye, as an infant, I was alone in my crib. I cried out for safety and didn't feel it met. My adult side showed up in my room, and was protective. I took that infant from the alone space and felt a responsibility to protect them. I love that baby without a doubt, and it's my responsibility to address the needs of that baby.

ABDL is one way to express the needs of that inner child. To re-live at least in pretend, the life of that infant who might not have gotten what they needed.

Personally, in my ABDL space (which is minimally explored), I am alone and don't really feel the need for a CG. That makes me sad in some ways but it also brings light to the fact that my inner child (in my meditation) was alone. What does my inner child want? What does that baby want to see, to feel, to experience? 

There's nothing more satisfying than safety for a child. Perhaps feeling safe is by being alone? What a sad thought. Perhaps my baby and I have more processing to go?

​

In the AB/DL community, the pervasive loneliness, isolation, and shame associated with hiding is unprecedented. To many, the AB/DL lifestyle is enjoyable, recharging, and ultimately doesn't cause harm to others or themselves. But, the loneliness of feeling like the only one on the planet can be stifling, suffocating, and downright gut wrenching. The photo above captures in many ways the feeling that you can be around other people but also alone. It's not just the presence of people that helps you feel less lonely but the presence of people who know you on a deep level.

I remember the first time I met another AB/DL online. I was so surprised to find somebody else in the world who liked the thought of wearing diapers, and doing age play. At that moment, I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders because (at least for this area of my life), I was seen, I was heard, and somebody KNEW me. Clearly, my parents at the time, my brother, my church pastor, my friends...nobody truly understood what this meant to me. Social media conversations expanded to meeting a few others casually in person, many of which were odd and awkward.

That said, it's also important to remember that many people come into AB/DL communities with varying needs. Some are interested in the sexual experience whereas others are into innocent non-sexual and platonic role play. It's never safe to assume that you know someone's needs without having that open conversation.

Back to the point, I feel that we AB/DLs crave community on a deep level. We crave friendships with others who just get it. We want community we don't have to explain ourselves to, where we are able to enjoy and explore our headspace without fear, letting ourselves go for while.

For the longest time, I wanted to say that I was satisfied in my wife's knowledge and acceptance of my AB/DL side. But, of course, as most things do, the novelty wears off and true colors bleed through. The first time we discussed my AB/DL side, there was a superficial acceptance or rather "lack of disapproval" but not ever a true acceptance. Though helpful in one sense to start having conversations, ambivalence doesn't really do much in the way of meeting the AB/DL needs. If anything, it further reinforces the shame/guilt/hiding cycle that many of us go through. In some ways, I would have preferred flat disapproval because perhaps then I truly know her opinion on the matter.

It is hard to not look at other AB/DL couples who have an accepting mutual understanding about their AB/DL sides in marriage, even as parents. It's hard to not look at other couples and ask, "Why can't I have that?" But, as most of you know, envy and jealousy only breed further discord. It doesn't take us to a good place, it only reinforces the scarcity mindset that "This isn't enough, I need more." So, satisfaction and contentment remains another piece of the complex puzzle.

This tension between contentment, envy, frustration, resentment, and satisfaction is exhausting for lack of better term but is something to be embraced after all. The tension indicates at least to some degree scratching the surface of something better. In my marriage, this means pursuing ongoing conversation about my AB/DL side and how to satisfy that need without bringing undue unrest to my partner. In other ways, it means that we have an opportunity to find connection through this AND other areas. It takes time... yes, it runs hot... but sitting in the tension might make us better people after all.

To be very honest, I rarely had a "stash" of AB/DL things until a few years into my marriage. Did I enjoy purchasing AB/DL items over the years, sure, but there's the little devil called the binge/purge cycle which wrecked any chance of keeping my "stash" close by. I calculated one day that I wasted over $1,800 worth of AB/DL supplies by literally tossing them in the garbage. This process of acquiring (binging), feeling intense shame, throwing away (purging), feeling relief/shame/relief and then going back to acquisition again is exhausting. Until I determined I was not going to engage that cycle intentionally anymore, it never happened.

But, the binge/purge cycle is not dealt with using willpower alone, it is truly the product of dealing with the inner shame. For me, it happened to be closely connected to my faith beliefs, that somehow AB/DL was inherently "sinful." It then was connected with the shame about what would others think. Well, nobody really has to know about the AB/DL lifestyle if you're smart about how you keep your things.

This takes time and effort to break through the shame cycle and reach the other side of the binge/purge process. So, the reason I have a stash now, obviously it's because I haven't tossed it all away. I've decided that AB/DL is not shameful, not to be supressed, but something to be celebrated and enjoyed. My stash is kept safe from my children and my wife (who is coming to terms with the AB/DL lifestyle) but it's there when I need it and so much more easily accessible than the dumpster.

One of the greatest delights of the past few years is meeting new AB/DL friends. There is absolutely nothing quite like meeting someone in person, talking to them, and realizing you don't have to explain the most secret thing in your life to them. There's a calm, a quiet understanding, no-explanation needed kind-of connection which surpasses all other relationships.

My wife and I experience this through the lens of disability. She has a bone disability while I have a speech impediment (stuttering). We were able, even on our first date, the reach deep into one another's experience and understand on a deeper level more than others could even dream about imagining. This went for making friends who stuttered for me, which wasn't until I was a Freshman in college. The deep emotion I felt when I met another person who stuttered, and even my wife, was feeling known, feeling found, feeling validated, and understood.

AB/DL is no exception to this and it can be an overwhelming emotion to feel heard, seen, validated, and known by someone else when you meet them. I'm sorry to say that most of my experiences in the local AB/DL world are clouded by a desire for hook-up, which makes sense in kink culture, but that's rarely why I pursued friendship. I'm happily married, I love my wife dearly, but she also can't be expected to understand AB/DL in that same deep way.

This leads me to the next point in that having AB/DL friends that you know in person is such a vital way to improve your own acceptance of this side of you and to validate the deepest feelings that only another AB/DL would be able to truly understand. It's not that our partners can't ever get there, but there's just something different, something deeper, that is satisfied when you meet that no-explanation type of interaction.

#ABDLFriends #ABDLCulture #ABDLMarriage

Let's be real for a minute, depression sucks. You heard me, it sucks. Depression has the tendency to come out of nowhere, rip any joy you have from a halfway decent day and slam you deep into the pit of despair...over and over and over again. Every therapist would tell you to seek some coping mechanisms that are both healthy and non-maladaptive; well, as an AB/DL, that's definitely one of my go-to coping skills. To be honest, if everyone could tap into their AB/DL side once in a while, wouldn't we save so much time and worry on psychological services! 

AB/DL has been an activity that has helped during times of great despair. The simplest act of wearing a diaper, going into little-space, flipping on a cartoon, and enjoying chocolate milk from a bottle is enough to take me right out of a dark place and into a calm, pleasant, "small," safe space. Even 30 minutes is enough to reset the insanity. Of course, this isn't my only coping mechanism for depression, it's one of many, but is definitely one of those that really helps things move along the fastest.

What has been difficult as a married AB/DL, especially a married AB/DL with two small children is the lack of opportunity I have to indulge these activities in a way that doesn't make my wife feel uncomfortable and in a way that keeps my children out of sight of a full-fledged little-space moment. My kids may eventually know, but it's not something that I will openly share with a 4 and 2 year old. But, to be completely honest, when your spouse doesn't really agree with or support the little-space moments, and other coping skills don't work, the depression hits harder. It has a different soured flavor. It's coupled with rejection, lack of acceptance, and desire for maladaptation. 

Finding the moments are difficult, depression is difficult, but we are all in this fight together. 

#ABDLLifestyle #ABDLCulture #ABDLDepression #MarriedABDL

Sometimes, when I think about my enjoyment of AB/DL experiences, I think about my children and how different a perspective I have compared to others who reside only the "adult world." In my family, I am known as the "baby whisperer," which usually means that when a baby is crying, uncle comes around and is able to calm the baby and get them to sleep after many failed attempts with other family members. As an AB/DL, I get it. I understand stressful experiences from a baby's perspective. I understand the joy and wonder of the smallest sensory experiences. I understand the pain and trauma of the smallest sensory experiences too. I'm the baby whisperer because I'm able to take the perspective of an infant in very unique and direct way that other adults are unable to. I can put myself in the eyes of an infant and understand what is stressful and what is calming.

This applies not just to infancy, but also to my own children (who are 4 and 2 right now). There is joy in the smallest moments and "playtime" means something entirely different to me and my children and even to my wife and extended family. To non-AB/DL adults, playtime is meant to be a learning experience, but as an AB/DL, I live in the playtime moment not just as a parent, but as a playmate too. I have the freedom to experience play in a direct way that is both stress-relieving and exciting. 

AB/DL may be strange to some, taboo to others, but it makes me a better parent. A different perspective is what I have to offer. Perhaps my children will someday understand what this means and will offer a moment to be more emotionally vulnerable to their dad. I call my son Big Boy (like my dad did me) and my daughter Big Girl... Big Boy, Big Girl, I get it, I'm here for you, I love you both so much, and I'll always be close in body and mind.

As a life-long AB/DL, I've never known anything else other than the enjoyment of diapers and age-play to infancy. As a husband and now father of two beautiful children, I can't say that those feels are any different. Perhaps at one point in my life, I thought that getting married and having children would somehow cure me of my shameful affliction? Better yet, I think it took the pain of bringing my AB/DL side into my marriage and parenthood to understand how much of a blessing it can be to my adult-side. 

My wife and I have been married for about 7 years. I'll never forget the promise we made at the alter; to love one another no matter the circumstances, to walk together through it all, to go together to the ends of the earth. It was in the vows. We were excruciatingly honest about so much before marriage: children, money, sex, faith, family, sexuality. The topic that never came up, AB/DL. Explaining these desires to the love of my life was on the verge of self-destruction, an invitation to leave the relationship, the end before the beginning. It took 7 years of marriage to finally work up the courage, and even the language to adequately explain this to my spouse.

But, alas, the time came. I had spent some time with an AB/DL counselor working through the intricacies of a formal letter, waiting almost three weeks to send this two-paged, single-spaced, letter which outlined my interests. With encouragement from some fellow AB/DL friends, the message was sent. My wife was working that evening...first mistake. I received a text message with " ? " attached, no words, no affirmation, no disgust, just a " ? " Perhaps this was an invitation to discuss it. After staring at the question mark for 5 minutes straight, she called me. "So," she said, "I don't know really what to say," silence..., "Thanks for telling me?" When said in the form of a question it was almost as bad as straight denial. We then had a superficial conversation about my secret hobby for about 5 minutes. I felt relieved in part but the pain of sharing the secret came more when we never spoke about it again.

There must be a way forward, some path to helping my life-long partner understand the deepest places of my soul. But when met with a " ? ", the shame was devastating. Of course this story gets slightly better in terms of acceptance but sitting in the pain is the first step of understanding the path.