my stash & The reason why

To be very honest, I rarely had a "stash" of AB/DL things until a few years into my marriage. Did I enjoy purchasing AB/DL items over the years, sure, but there's the little devil called the binge/purge cycle which wrecked any chance of keeping my "stash" close by. I calculated one day that I wasted over $1,800 worth of AB/DL supplies by literally tossing them in the garbage. This process of acquiring (binging), feeling intense shame, throwing away (purging), feeling relief/shame/relief and then going back to acquisition again is exhausting. Until I determined I was not going to engage that cycle intentionally anymore, it never happened.

But, the binge/purge cycle is not dealt with using willpower alone, it is truly the product of dealing with the inner shame. For me, it happened to be closely connected to my faith beliefs, that somehow AB/DL was inherently "sinful." It then was connected with the shame about what would others think. Well, nobody really has to know about the AB/DL lifestyle if you're smart about how you keep your things.

This takes time and effort to break through the shame cycle and reach the other side of the binge/purge process. So, the reason I have a stash now, obviously it's because I haven't tossed it all away. I've decided that AB/DL is not shameful, not to be supressed, but something to be celebrated and enjoyed. My stash is kept safe from my children and my wife (who is coming to terms with the AB/DL lifestyle) but it's there when I need it and so much more easily accessible than the dumpster.